Engineering Emotional Intelligence For Nice Guys

I am what you call, a recovering “nice guy.”

I’m borrowing this term from Dr Robert Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, which was recommended to me by my best friend Caleb while I was going through my divorce—right before the pandemic started. 🙃 

That was a hell of a time, in all senses of the word. And that was a hell of a book for me, one that I should have read many years ago.

But that’s a story for another time.

I want to take a step back even farther in my journey, back to when I first read the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0. It was published in 2009, and I believe I picked it up in mid-2010.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

In the book by Dr. Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves, the authors focus on the concept of emotional intelligence and provides strategies on how you can increase your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ). Its based on the four essential components of EQ: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.

The authors are also founders of TalentSmart, which has an assessment you can take to give you an EQ score. After reading the book, I thought this was a great idea to try. Surely I would score high given my level of “niceness,” likability, and lack of personal conflicts in my young adult life at the time. Right?

My score absolutely sucked. 60 out of 100. Technically failing by most metrics. And according to TalentSmart, anything 60-69 is “something you should work on”. Anything 59 and below is “A CONCERN YOU MUST ADDRESS.”

Half of my competence scores were in the 50s. I was floored, and confused.

See, being a “nice guy,” I thought that “nice” translated into being emotional intelligent. And I was incredibly, flat-out wrong.

Nice ≠ Aware

“Niceness” does not equal “awareness,” nor does it equal empathy. Nice is an overused word that is better fitted as an apt reply between “brohs” (“noice”), rather than an adjective for a person, place or thing. Let’s be honest, if you are using ”nice” as a descriptor, it’s probably a very lazy effort or you’re avoiding sharing your true feelings.

I thought my intentions were good, but they came from a place of self-protection and misunderstanding. Without diving too deep, because of my upbringing, I programmed myself to associate things like conflict and disagreement as strictly negative. I interpreted the results of those things as “something is wrong with me.” So I avoided them as much as possible.

This limiting belief turned into making interactions much more transactional, instead of transformational. My subconscious programming was to complete an interaction as a trade for approval.

I was agreeable, even when I shouldn’t be. I said yes to way too many things in order to avoid conflict or discussion from saying “no.” Saying yes just seemed easier and nicer at the time. I kept my opinions and my creative work to myself mostly. It was easier to help others than to help myself.

This also translated to me looking for solutions to problems too quickly, rather than just empathizing when needed. I was a good listener, but I wasn’t a good reflective listener. That second part is crucial—the reflection of what you hear back to the other person. Sure, some people just like to hear the sound of their own voice, but most people want their voice to be validated by others. And this validation also fosters genuine connection.

Nice ≠ Kind

I thought that by either keeping my perspective to myself, or quietly listening, I was being “nice,” and therefore kind. This was also a big misunderstanding I held onto for way too long.

Nice is not kind. Clarity is kindness.

You don’t have to be an asshole or untactful about it. Still be respectful, use inclusive language, and all the modern day communication standards we are privileged to have an understanding of now. But being clear in what you hear, what you mean, and when something doesn’t work for you is incredibly important.

It is vital for your well-being and those close to you to be honest with yourself.

I found that it’s actually hard to trust niceness. Compliments can feel good, and you can use the “compliment sandwich” when delivering difficult news, but if we’re looking for honest feedback, nice isn’t helpful. This goes for the interactions we have with others, and ourselves.

Back to my EQ score.

Navigating the niceness was something I hadn’t realized I needed to do at this time, but I was still determined to bring it up my EQ score and improve, so I got to work. This was a time when I started to dive into every book about relationships, communication, and business I could get my hands on. I got some counseling. I read, journaled, and worked on my emotional intelligence and self-awareness intensely for about a year.

Then I retook the assessment:

80 out of 100.

Ok, not bad. That’s a passing score. Like a C, right? (I’m not sure how school grading works anymore).

Seeing this improvement encouraged me to believe that even though there were aspects of my “personality” that may not be in my best interest, I can update the programming and change myself.

How Engineering Ties Into EQ Improvement

So what did I do during that time to change?

At the time, I couldn’t put into words the “nice guy” syndrome I had, but I was able to begin the journey of becoming more empathetic.

When I was in this chapter of my life, I was still relatively new to programming and software development. The modern frameworks and methodologies we have today weren’t as prevalent. My focus at the time was mainly around building websites, WordPress themes, and simple web applications. I was starting to read more about Agile methodologies and books like The Lean Startup. I was listening to more business podcasts and TED Talks.

I was inspired, wanted to create an app and my own startup, but ironically didn’t know where to start. Even though I was very inexperienced and too unsure of myself to build a venture of my own, I was aware enough to notice some parallels between building an application, and building yourself—your perceptions and programming.

So here are a few Key Connections between developing software and developing emotional intelligence that I used (and still use):

1. Continuous Iterative Improvement

Just like Agile methodologies emphasize on continuous refinement and improvement of software, we can focus on continuous improvements in our emotional intelligence. Setting a series of small, measurable goals and regularly reviewing your progress creates powerful alignment in your trajectory.

2. Collaboration and Feedback

Engineering successful applications relies on collaboration and knowledge-sharing among team members. Similarly, developing emotional intelligence requires learning from others, seeking feedback, and practicing empathy in social situations. Simply said: don’t work in a silo. Put yourself out there and become more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

3. Self-awareness via Introspection

In software development, regular code reviews and refactoring helps improve the quality of the final product. In the same vein, self-reflection and exploring your thoughts and emotions lead to a better understanding of yourself, paving the way for enhanced emotional intelligence. The timeless pen and paper works, but however you best connect with listening to what is inside you, do it.

4. Adapt and Respond to Change

Just as software developers need to adapt to new technologies and changing requirements, we should be open to new experiences and adjust our behavior to different social contexts. Psychological flexibility is essential for nurturing emotional intelligence and building strong relationships. If you need to adjust your thinking, remember it’s not you that is “wrong,“ but your understanding of the situation. It’s powerful to realize that you can change your opinions and understanding when new information is presented.

The most significant insight I gained from these books and methodologies was the concept of highly focused efforts over fixed periods of time, known as a Sprint.

I recently wrote about how habits don’t always work, and I believe incorporating personal development Sprints provides an effective stepping stone away from the common misconceptions of habits, directing you towards lasting self-improvement.

Creating Your Personal Sprint

To create your own personal Sprint, you can begin by setting a few measurable goals and allotting a specific time frame for completing them—say two weeks to start. Let’s say in this case, you want to improve your EQ by reading 2 books and journal daily on your reading.

Since Sprints emphasize focused efforts, avoid overcommitting to multiple tasks; instead, prioritize your activities to ensure they align with your objectives. The more you do this, the better you will get at estimating the level of effort required to meet your goals given the reality of your circumstances.

The most common example of prioritization is probably screen time. If you are a constant doom-scroller on your phone, first, be honest with yourself and admit it. Then set it aside at a specific time each day during your Sprint, and replace that screen time with deliberate practicing towards your Sprint goals.

By doing this, we are planning and acting on the measurable goals. Since these are focused efforts, instead of just trying to add another thing to your todo list, you are also removing anything that is both removable and hindering your goals off your plate.

You can make incremental improvements, but I’ve found they are typically only effective if your efforts and attention remain focused. Become too diluted with your attention, and you may find that the small improvements tend not to stay for long.

Engineering a Path Forward

I haven’t taken the EQ assessment since that second time about a decade ago. More than a score, I feel like it’s main purpose for me was shining a light on some unconscious misconceptions that helped instantiate a desire to evolve.

I’m still working on improving my EQ and communication. I’m still a recovering nice guy. But each time I sprint forward to a new level and release an evolved version of myself, I take a moment to reflect where I’ve come from and where I’m going.

I hope you found this helpful and encouraging. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.